2011 is finally here!

2010 came, and it whizzed past.

It has been a tumultuous year,

but it has taught me many life lessons,

many more as compared to the past few years.

Mm.. I'm thinking that I don't want this to become another ranting post..

So I shall post new year resolutions instead.

Resolutions give me a sense of hope,

just hoping they aren't overly optimistic bubbles I entrap myself in.

Resolution 1: Work-related

To seek a career that gives me the sense of satisfaction I crave for.

Paycheck is important, but it isn't everything.

When one door closes, it may not be just another door opening.

It may be many doors opening.

Having learnt my lesson,

I will only settle for a job after careful consideration,

instead of jumping unto the next life buoy that life throws me.

I want to build a career, I don't want just any other job.

Resolution 2: Family-related

To try to be a better daughter.

The above sounds vague, cuz I'm not even that sure how to go about to achieve it.

The thing about growing up is that,

you get more responsibilities and issues in life.

These issues tend to throw life off its equilibrium,

cuz these issues all tend to oppose to each other,

or each demand more of your time and effort than the other.

But balance / compromise has to be drawn somewhere.

But how do I go about doing it?

How much is little?

How much is enough?

I'm still in the midst of finding out.

Whatever it may be,

I think I'd make an effort to notice more of the small things.

Like helping out when I can,

chatting my family people up more etc.

Resolution 3: Love-related

I may not be the hardest girl to please,

but I'm perhaps not the easiest girl around to please either.

Temperamental - that is my weakness which I've known all along.

I can be all chirpy and happy one moment,

yet all upset and bitchy the next when something stepped on my tail.

The one who tends to have to bear the brunt would be the boy.

It's not fair - I know.

But being the person I'm closest to,

I'd definitely turn to him for all things good,

and all things bad.

Maybe I'd do myself and him a favor,

by learning how to manage my own emotions better.

Resolution 4: Friends-related

Friendships with people have dwindled quite a bit..

ever since graduation.

I mean, I got to know new friends through work..

But "old" friendships are important too..

My uni friends are mostly busy with their own work now too.

Now, gatherings are more precious than ever.

And this is the time you know who are the friends who will walk with you thru the years.

In this coming year,

I'll make an effort to meet up with friends more.

Those who smsed me a simple hello,

I would make the effort to meet up and have a proper catch-up.

Resolution 5: Myself

I think "nervous" and "unsettled" are the words to describe how I've been in this year.

Well, on most occasions that is.

I need to let go more, to relax more, to love life more.

I need to pick up on things I used to love.

Be it dance, enjoying a book, making handicrafts.

I need to stop thinking I'm wasting time by doing these things,

for these are the things that I enjoy.

I do not only live for others,

I should start living for myself too.

Been disappointing myself,

only to lead to disappointing others cuz I'm not in the right frame of mind and state.

The only way to stop feeling tired all the time,

is to start living the life I love.

(not at the expense of others of course)

This is the most important lesson I've learnt :)

------

Okays! Having done my resolutions,

I shall squeeze in some details on how I spent my New Year's Eve :)

the boy had wanted to go for countdown on xmas,

but I didn't want to cuz I wasn't well.

So I told him then that we could go for New Year's countdown.

Alas, as I was fretting over an important work task since last week,
I hadn't slept well in the past 3 days.

Even had a horrible headache yday noon.

But I know he kind of wants to go,

and also I think he is making the effort to break the monotony of our activities,

so I went ahead with it.

So I took a short nap at home before meeting him at 5pm.

Had dinner at Marina's Waraku!

After dinner, we proceeded to queue to get inside the Marina Floating Platform

the view of Singapore over there is really fantastic!

Esp with all the wish balls floating on the water :)

The whole concert was pretty good..

Initially I thought the concert will be too long,

cuz it starts at 7.30pm, and lasts all the way till 12am

But it really didnt feel that long (:

Plus the part of having Tao Ze really made the whole atmosphere very festive and high.

Pictures time!

The whole event was fab,

Just that the going home was such a dread.

Anyway, Happy New Year all!!! =D

Hope everyone had enjoyed NYE, no matter how you spent it (:

As long as one is surrounded by loved ones,

NYE has been spent as a fruitful and meaningful one (:

May 2011 bring about more happiness, joy and laughter for all,

and less of unhappiness, sorrow and frowns!

To kickstart things,

I'm looking forward to a big family dinner later (:

My aunt and family came back from Canada for a visit

Eat, Work, Love, Dance.

Currently pondering the many lines I remembered from the movie "Eat Pray Love"

It's funny how Liz finds each of the above in the 3 respective places she went.

It kind of made me reflective about things.

About how the concept of letting go is so nerve-wrecking for myself.

Yet, I feel Liz, her grappling with how she's like an empty shell,

who lost her appetite and zest for life.

Is that a reflection of a reality which I have no courage to face up to?

Or maybe I'm just (in bb's terms),

going through a phase of self destruction again.

Barely 6 months into my work,

I feel myself slipping away from who I was.

I had dreams, I had a life, I had an appetite for what was to be in the future.

Now, I'm caught in the daily work grind,

counting down to my next paycheck.

And being tired and annoyingly apathetic towards most things.

Is this what I really want?

Or am I just being ungrateful and whiney all over again.

I don't know.

Maybe it's too early to tell.

After all, I'm still adapting to my first job.

Liz had hers for years. and years. and years.

But I'm seeing signs of despondence in myself.

I want sleep, nothing but sleep.

I'm rushing and skimming through life,

everyday wishing the next day would come fast enough.

But the sad thing is,

it's like rushing through a dark tunnel,

unsure of what light there is.

Or is there supposed to be any at all?

I've stopped looking around,

and taking in the moment,

and doing just.. nothing.

Thinking of nothing.

"dolce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing."

I need to learn to cultivate the sense of sweetness,

for doing nothing.

For now, I have nothing but guilt and emo-ness, when doing nothing.

I've been harsh, not just to myself (for which I'm not upset about),

but to others around me.

I've stopped speaking.

I've stopped trying to be upbeat and optimistic.

Until I caught this movie, plus a string of awful dreams last night.

I think my subconscious mind is is "SOS" mode already.

It seems to be telling me to "wake up"

and to be more appreciative, to laugh more heartily,

and to indulge in the moment instead of skimming over.

Stop being superficial and rushing through life, Eileen.

It's time to wake up.

And I'm sure glad for the wake-up call.

I'm not sure how, but I'm determined to make it work.

It's time to stop all these nonsense and to get a grip already.

------

Had a lunchdate at Angus steakhouse with the boy yday,

an early bday celebration for him (:

The thing about Angus is that,

for a 5-course meal, you only order the main dish,

then everything else comes as a surprise.

We both chose rib-eye steaks (:

The soup that came was crab meat chowder,

then there was the signature yummy bun with butter,

garden salad with tuna,

and ending off on a sweet note with tiramisu and mango mousse cake (:

"We all want things to stay the same.

Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change,

of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured -

the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again.

And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is,

and the real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift.

Ruin is the road to transformation."

- "Eat, Pray Love"

Dynamite

Before I start this post proper,

I wanna apologize for the previous emo entry.

You know, we all have our down moments. *winks ;)

Sometimes, those feelings just come in one big wave and overwhelms.

But not to worry, I'm perfectly alright now (:

Realize that this is my 200th post.

This is by far, the longest blog I've ever kept.

And this milestone is perhaps, a significant one for myself.

There's no need to divulge the reason (:

Some things are better left kept in the heart.

Hadn't woke up feeling all happy like how I am now.

The sense of emo-ness lingering from yesternight hadn't completely dissolved.

Was undecided on how I should spend my sunday..

To sleep it away like how I mostly did for my past sundays,

or to get out and do something more constructive.

Well, anything else is more constructive/productive than sleep right?

For afterall, I had a good share of rest on Saturday already.

So I decide to head out and enjoy the cool weather.

And that breeze instantly made me feel immediately much better.

Sometimes, I realize, it doesn't take much to feel better, to get the serotonin pumping.

All it takes, is that one step, to make yourself feel better.

No one can make you happier, if you aren't willing to bulge.

--------

Currently, all the songs in 987fm are fab!

And that helps in lifting my mood too!

beautiful monster, side to side, dance in the dark, club can't handle me.

Awesome songs! (:

Lets hope this happy mood stays.

No monday blues please (:

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Saying AYO

Gotta let go

I wanna celebrate and live my life

Saying AYO

Baby, let's go

Aspiration

*Not sure if I've blogged about this before, but suddenly feel like talking abt it*

Secretly, I've always wanted to be an SIA girl.
Yes, an air stewardess with our own airlines..
Being one that cannot sit still, my biggest dread is a 朝九晚五 job.
Then again, it's more like 朝八晚六 in the description of any desk bound job.
I understand that there are many criteria of being an SIA girl,
and the lack in height might be a big obstacle in clearing the rounds..
Yet, there's a part of me which have alway wished that I had the guts to apply, and go through the rounds.
So that even if I fail to get through, I know I had tried.

For a period of time, I felt torn.
The angel told me that I should not even think of applying because
x It would break my parents' hearts
x It doesn't make sense for me to complete my uni studies and be an SIA girl
x I don't want to leave bb behind / lose this rs cuz of this career that may not last (read abt many SIA girls' stories of heart-break / deception)
x I don't want to lead a superficial life and to be embroiled in any bitch fights
x I think I'm capable of doing better things other than reciting "yes sir, yes madam, towel please" everyday.
x I will get home-sick and will be afraid of being alone in hotel bunks.
x I might not be adapt to the erratic schedule that will take over my whole life
x I will no longer be able to catch up with friends or attend all the important event/gatherings
x My whole life will have be compromised to cater to this job.

The devil stated that the above are not valid because:
x We only have one life. If I don't do it now, I will never be able to do it and might live to regret it my whole life.
x The pay an SIA girl receives is higher than what they pay for fresh grads in any other job, not forgetting the huge bonuses.
x If bb is not meant to be mine, he will not be mine, regardless of whether I'm an SIA girl or not. *but touch wood!* =P
x A life full of travelling is definitely worth all the bitchiness, right?
x Reciting "yes sir, yes madam" means that the job is easy. You can't go that wrong with such simple stuff right?
x For goodness sake, you're going 24. Homesickness will affect everyone, but it can be overcome!
x The erratic schedule can't be helped. Well, I mentioned I didn't want a 9-5 job right? So erratic lifestyle might be a better alternative.
x Well, there are off-days weekly. Enough time to catch up with friends! Esp after all the exciting flights (:
x If planned properly, there can still be enough time for family, friends and bb! Work-life balance, remember?

See, the devil has a counter point to every point the angel made.
That was my huge dilemma.
In the end (till now at least), I chose not to apply at all and to give up this whole aspiration.
Call me a coward, but I wasn't willing to give up everything I have till date to something so uncertain.
Yes, an SIA girl can lead a glamourous life, be well-travelled etc.
But I wasn't willing to give up everything else like my family, friends and bb.
All these are priceless elements of my life.
So what if I have to settle with a 朝八晚六 job instead of what I aspire to be?
It's worth it for everything else I have.

So, whenever the temptation becomes too big, I will revisit my beliefs.
I'll then remind myself to be contented (:
Maybe if I have a daughter one day, and she tells me she wants to be an SIA girl,
I may encourage her to do so.
Perhaps, she can be the one to live the life I never did.

Well, if you're wondering why I'm writing this now..
it's cuz the temptation came back to haunt me..
And I kinda wrote this to keep myself rooted.

Time.

This calendar sits on my office tabletop,

where it has become a morning routine for me to tick off the previous day that had passed.

I still remember telling bb on 1st July 10 that my calendar looked so bare,

as it bore no marking yet then.

As a clean sheet, it bothers me endlessly about how time is passing so slowly.

Look at it now, we're almost going to be done with July.

And before I know it, bb will be back (:

It's fast, I realized.

Time is the harbinger of joy..

and sorrow as well I guess..

It seeps life out of people.

It's a constant countdown to the end of life episodes..

May my granduncle, who has left us at the age of only 59..

finally find peace after his long, heart-wrenching battle with the incurable illness..

He who has gone,

so we but cherish his memory, abides with us,

more potent, nay, more present than the living man.