Eat, Work, Love, Dance.

Currently pondering the many lines I remembered from the movie "Eat Pray Love"

It's funny how Liz finds each of the above in the 3 respective places she went.

It kind of made me reflective about things.

About how the concept of letting go is so nerve-wrecking for myself.

Yet, I feel Liz, her grappling with how she's like an empty shell,

who lost her appetite and zest for life.

Is that a reflection of a reality which I have no courage to face up to?

Or maybe I'm just (in bb's terms),

going through a phase of self destruction again.

Barely 6 months into my work,

I feel myself slipping away from who I was.

I had dreams, I had a life, I had an appetite for what was to be in the future.

Now, I'm caught in the daily work grind,

counting down to my next paycheck.

And being tired and annoyingly apathetic towards most things.

Is this what I really want?

Or am I just being ungrateful and whiney all over again.

I don't know.

Maybe it's too early to tell.

After all, I'm still adapting to my first job.

Liz had hers for years. and years. and years.

But I'm seeing signs of despondence in myself.

I want sleep, nothing but sleep.

I'm rushing and skimming through life,

everyday wishing the next day would come fast enough.

But the sad thing is,

it's like rushing through a dark tunnel,

unsure of what light there is.

Or is there supposed to be any at all?

I've stopped looking around,

and taking in the moment,

and doing just.. nothing.

Thinking of nothing.

"dolce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing."

I need to learn to cultivate the sense of sweetness,

for doing nothing.

For now, I have nothing but guilt and emo-ness, when doing nothing.

I've been harsh, not just to myself (for which I'm not upset about),

but to others around me.

I've stopped speaking.

I've stopped trying to be upbeat and optimistic.

Until I caught this movie, plus a string of awful dreams last night.

I think my subconscious mind is is "SOS" mode already.

It seems to be telling me to "wake up"

and to be more appreciative, to laugh more heartily,

and to indulge in the moment instead of skimming over.

Stop being superficial and rushing through life, Eileen.

It's time to wake up.

And I'm sure glad for the wake-up call.

I'm not sure how, but I'm determined to make it work.

It's time to stop all these nonsense and to get a grip already.

------

Had a lunchdate at Angus steakhouse with the boy yday,

an early bday celebration for him (:

The thing about Angus is that,

for a 5-course meal, you only order the main dish,

then everything else comes as a surprise.

We both chose rib-eye steaks (:

The soup that came was crab meat chowder,

then there was the signature yummy bun with butter,

garden salad with tuna,

and ending off on a sweet note with tiramisu and mango mousse cake (:

"We all want things to stay the same.

Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change,

of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured -

the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again.

And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is,

and the real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift.

Ruin is the road to transformation."

- "Eat, Pray Love"